Step-family help

April 28, 2020 by Julee Peterson Leave a Comment

Did You Marry The Wrong Person or is a Core Pattern Holding Your Relationship Back?

Secure Attachment is what we all need to feel we belong and are loved.
Photo by Irina Murza on Unsplash

Getting tired of the same issues that plague your relationship? Are you stuck in a pattern over the same fights? Its likely not because you “married the wrong person” but more than likely a cause of expectations based on how you were parented which result in core patterns of relating. These core pattern issues are what therapists call “Attachment issues” as they are based on the attachments you came to expect – or not – as a child. Children can have secure, anxious or avoidant attachment styles.

Growing up in a volatile home and needing to be more independent in handling your emotions on your own because parents were too busy fighting would then cause an individual to maintain that independence into their marriage – mixed with a person that grew up with a lot of attention from both parents and….BAM…the more needy partner ends up with an emotional crisis around needing to feel more securely attached and the partner is unable to respond to the need due to the pre-existing avoidant pattern.

This is just one example among many that can get couples into trouble and having spouses thinking they’ve married the wrong person when the reality is it’s a behavior pattern that needs to adapt to a new relationship. This can take a lot of difficult emotional work for a period of time, but once couples reach the other side there is a deeper intimacy and a more whole-person understanding between the spouses.

There are 5 different love style that can interact: The Avoider, The Pleaser, The Vacillator, The Victim and Controller love styles (also known as the Chaotic love style). These styles can pair-up and initially the opposite qualities attract and then they can attack. Not feeling attached to your partner is one of the most emotionally dis-regulating feelings for a person. You’ll see the dis-regulation in children when they lose their parent at a store, or feel unsure of a parents’ love. These behavior patterns repeat into adulthood though the dis-regulation can show up differently. Some adults to continue to throw tantrums and some hide in their work, or spend their time with the children leaving the marriage to suffer.

The good news is that with professional help the couple can start to recognize their core patterns and in the safety of a therapeutic situation can start to rebuild, the often unknown, broken emotional attachments. The couple then internalizes the therapeutic techniques and are able to “catch” their pattern and stop it before it gets out-of-hand.

Thus, it is not the wrong person you’ve married but just the wrong understanding of how they receive the way you grew up loving your birth family. The patterns of your biological family usually do not work within the structure of your newly created family – with the person you married. This is also works for Blended Families and in the relationship patterns between blended family step-kids to the new stepparent. Figuring out what’s happening for another person emotionally, will allow the patterns to be side-stepped to create a more peaceful home and a new securely attached relationships.

For more in-depth information on this subject or to discover your love style I recommend the book How We Love by Milan & Kay Yerkovich.

March 28, 2020 by Julee Peterson Leave a Comment

Blending Eggs-cellently

Whether you’re stuck at home with a blended family or a first family – times like these can become trials of patience. Tempers can get short and attention can wan. For blended families finding ways to make home feel “normal” is difficult, especially in times of transition when things are anything but normal. One of the easiest ways to bond with your blended family is to share traditions from your own childhood. This accomplishes a few things:

It fills the uncomfortable silence with non-judgmental information.
It helps your blended family get to know about a different part of you.
Fond memories bring a lightness to the heart and can have a calming and positive affect on the autonomic system (making you, one of the adults, better able to model how to tolerate transitional situations).
Lastly, if you can recreate the tradition, it gives everyone something to do and adds to making a positive new memory. Sharing happy or fun memories bond people together.

A tradition I have shared with my blended family is making hollowed out Easter eggs as Easterly keepsakes.

Items you’ll need:

1 dozen white eggs

1 large safety pin

1 container to catch egg whites/yolks

1 egg dying kit

Crayons to write names on eggs (if desired)

Assorted arts and crafts items: children’s catalogs, magazines with cute animals pictures, gem stones, thin ribbons, stickers or any other desired items for decorating.

hot glue gun for attaching ribbons,
regular glue for attaching magazine cut outs to the eggs
School glue to mix with a bit of water to brush over adornments
Modge podge to spray on eggs when they’re finished.

Step 1 – Hollowing out eggs

Using the large safety pin, poke a hole in the bottom of the egg (largest end). Keep poking around the edge of the first pin-prick to eventually create a hole.

flip the egg over
Using the same technique, poke a hole in the top of the egg that’s a bit smaller than the hole in the bottom.
Holding the egg over the container, gently blow into the egg and push the whites and yolk out through then bottom.
Repeat for all 12 eggs.

hollowed out eggs — Hollowed out eggs using a large safety pin

Step 2 – Dying and decorating

I use egg dying kits from the store
Dye eggs according to package instructions
If you want to put a name on the egg shell use a white crayon to write the name and then place the egg shell in the dye. You can also write the name on afterward in a darker color crayon.
While eggs are drying sort through magazines, or children’s catalogs for cute animals, flowers, patterns of color: anything will work
Once eggs are dry begin gluing items to the eggs.
I used a combination of stick glue on the cutouts before putting them on the egg, and a sponge paintbrush to dab a mix of glue and water onto the egg to seal all the edges down after the cutouts are applied.
For larger items like ribbon, cord, gemstones or heavier papers, I used a hot glue gun to attach adornments.

Then dye eggs according to the package instructions and let eggs air dry after dying. Once they’re dry, start decorating with your imagination. The sky’s the limit!

Being part of a blended family is challenging enough to start with, let alone being regulated to shelter-in-place with kids that may or may not like you or may be grieving the loss of seeing one parent, their friends, and life as we all knew it.

Use the time to try to bond through sharing traditions, asking about music your stepkids are interested in (without judgement) and ask what they like about the music. Or ask about what books they’re reading for school – generally, being interested in someone else’s interests help them to be interested in you and sharing activities that can be fun also helps pass the time and make bonding memories.

Blended bowl of eggs — Blended Makes Us Better – bowl full of decorated hollowed out eggs.

January 30, 2020 by Julee Peterson Leave a Comment

Sidestepping blending blunders (or at least trying to)…

Cooperation gets things done.
*Photo by Austin Kehmeier on Unsplash*

Blended families are often born out of loss. Loss of attachment. Loss of dreams, loss of stability. The couples’ gain – remarriage – is often the children’s loss. No wonder blended families face three times the difficulties when starting out then first families.

A few simple guidelines to help the blending start are:
– Separate households likely will have separate values. Sit with your spouse and figure out what values you want to develop in your home. (compassion, fun, forgiveness, strict rule-following, etc. Think about how the couple wants to run the home).

– Having different values between homes means different rules should be enforced in different homes to fit the parent values. (Trying to enforce the same rules across multiple homes will be difficult to keep tabs on, and make the rules harder to enforce.)

– There can be different rules for different kids in the same household. This means bio-parents stick to disciplining their own children and let the line for step-kids stop at respectful behavior and logistical “asks.”

– Triangulating isn’t all bad: Stepmom can ask bio-dad to enforce house rules on bio-kids. From keeping backpacks picked up, or a house rule of greeting someone when entering a room vs. ignoring them (as an aside: letting step-kids or bio-kids ignore one parent or the other isn’t appropriate).

– Understand, on average, it takes 6 years for blended families to feel comfortable together. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable, it’s not okay to act on discomfort through disrespectful actions.

– Make room for what was. Maybe bio-dad needs time alone with bio-kids and visa versa. Stepparents may feel tired of being excluded but honoring the relationship that came before you may aid you in your ability to blend. Altruism has a way of paying back in kind.

– Parents, stepparents: remember not to take things personally – even if they’re meant to be personal. Set boundaries for what is hurtful to you or unacceptable and let the rest go, or get professional support.

– Set boundaries. Decide how you’ll respond (or not) to things you find inappropriate. Accidentally rewarding negative behavior because you want to jump at the chance for positive interaction doesn’t help anyone.

– Respectful behavior gets cooperation and favors, disrespect doesn’t. Conditional love is a part of acting disrespectfully. Unconditional love comes from mutual understanding of not trying to hurt the other person.

Understand that progress is slow and attaching to a new stepparent is not first and foremost in a kids mind. It’s hard to do when they may be busy grieving their old life and the loss of family as they knew it, or perhaps the Ex is making plays for alienating the kids and ignoring you. However it’s spun, make sure your actions err on the side of controlling your behavior, boundaries that protect your feelings, and actions that reflect end-goals…to blend-in some way, some day.

February 6, 2019 by Julee Peterson Leave a Comment

To Vday or to not Vday?

Oh. It’s that time of year again. Oh! It’s that time of year again! Oh? It’s that time of year AGAIN? Different inflections in your voice can change a sentence and your blended family interactions. It’s all in the chosen approach. Feelings don’t have to match the action.

It is possible to “notice” a feeling and not act on it and this is the key to distinguishing whether acting on an emotional impulse is helpful or harmful. Rising above impulses to control your own emotions is a pinnacle of maturity and restraining any negative actions can go a long way in showing love, care and kindness.

So, as Valentine’s Day approaches in your blended family and you find yourself mulling over the pros and cons of V-daying or not V-daying, challenge yourself to make an intentional well thought out choice, rather than an impulsive emotional action, toward someone you may not feel very Valentiney toward. See what happens? Does it help build the blended family bridge in a better direction? Even building slowly, one slat at a time, is better than increasing the distance away from the goal of getting along.