Challenges

April 16, 2020 by Julee Peterson Leave a Comment

Spring has sprung…

And we are still inside the house. Sigh. I know. Change. Boredom. The routine of no routine. No break from the kids. Sheltering-in-place. Home all day. It’s all bad. Or is it?

There is no more perfect time, than right now, to make changes you’ve been wanting implement in your life. This is built-in break is great for starting to rearrange, clean-house (literally and figuratively), and in general, make room for new beginnings.

Think outside the box — Thinking outside the box can help a blended family get perspective

We can either focus on what is lost and what is wrong, or you can choose to focus on the future and be optimistic about possibilities that can lay ahead. This goes for relationships and relating too. This is an opportunity to get out of the ruts of your normal interactions with the step-kids or your husband and try new ways to connect – or perhaps if you’ve been trying too hard, this may be a perfect time to put your focus elsewhere.

A break in routine, for a blended family, can also be a break for having to spend more time together. Or a break for the stepparent to not spend so much time with the kids. Either way, if you take this time to self-reflect and be honest with yourself – you may find new positives about your step-children or yourself.

How have you grown? How have your step-children changed? What changes have you made that have made positive (no matter how small) changes in your interactions with your blended family? Where can you bring as a tradition or a positive interaction to your family? Where might you need to set better boundaries to protect your own feelings?

What household rules need to change? What household values need to be written, agreed on and posted? What rules apply to your kids and what rules apply to his? Yes, it’s okay to have different rules for different kids (it’s a good lesson that life isn’t always fair).

Perhaps you’re actually acting as a mean stepparent without intending to? Or maybe as a bio-parent you’re not being fair. Or maybe the guilt from the divorce is seeping into your emotional reactions and decisions? Anyway, it’s phrased this is an excellent time to self-reflect.

What would change if you said something positive each morning to your stepchildren – despite how you may feel about them? What would change if you treated them like your kids – despite how you may feel about them? Maybe not saying anything and just being more patient with a pleasant expression is all that’s needed.

Start thinking outside the box, while you’re busy living inside of it. Who knows what the possibilities could be?

“It’s not enough to think outside the box. Thinking is passive. Get used to acting outside the box.” — Tim Feriss

March 28, 2020 by Julee Peterson Leave a Comment

Blending Eggs-cellently

Whether you’re stuck at home with a blended family or a first family – times like these can become trials of patience. Tempers can get short and attention can wan. For blended families finding ways to make home feel “normal” is difficult, especially in times of transition when things are anything but normal. One of the easiest ways to bond with your blended family is to share traditions from your own childhood. This accomplishes a few things:

It fills the uncomfortable silence with non-judgmental information.
It helps your blended family get to know about a different part of you.
Fond memories bring a lightness to the heart and can have a calming and positive affect on the autonomic system (making you, one of the adults, better able to model how to tolerate transitional situations).
Lastly, if you can recreate the tradition, it gives everyone something to do and adds to making a positive new memory. Sharing happy or fun memories bond people together.

A tradition I have shared with my blended family is making hollowed out Easter eggs as Easterly keepsakes.

Items you’ll need:

1 dozen white eggs

1 large safety pin

1 container to catch egg whites/yolks

1 egg dying kit

Crayons to write names on eggs (if desired)

Assorted arts and crafts items: children’s catalogs, magazines with cute animals pictures, gem stones, thin ribbons, stickers or any other desired items for decorating.

hot glue gun for attaching ribbons,
regular glue for attaching magazine cut outs to the eggs
School glue to mix with a bit of water to brush over adornments
Modge podge to spray on eggs when they’re finished.

Step 1 – Hollowing out eggs

Using the large safety pin, poke a hole in the bottom of the egg (largest end). Keep poking around the edge of the first pin-prick to eventually create a hole.

flip the egg over
Using the same technique, poke a hole in the top of the egg that’s a bit smaller than the hole in the bottom.
Holding the egg over the container, gently blow into the egg and push the whites and yolk out through then bottom.
Repeat for all 12 eggs.

hollowed out eggs — Hollowed out eggs using a large safety pin

Step 2 – Dying and decorating

I use egg dying kits from the store
Dye eggs according to package instructions
If you want to put a name on the egg shell use a white crayon to write the name and then place the egg shell in the dye. You can also write the name on afterward in a darker color crayon.
While eggs are drying sort through magazines, or children’s catalogs for cute animals, flowers, patterns of color: anything will work
Once eggs are dry begin gluing items to the eggs.
I used a combination of stick glue on the cutouts before putting them on the egg, and a sponge paintbrush to dab a mix of glue and water onto the egg to seal all the edges down after the cutouts are applied.
For larger items like ribbon, cord, gemstones or heavier papers, I used a hot glue gun to attach adornments.

Then dye eggs according to the package instructions and let eggs air dry after dying. Once they’re dry, start decorating with your imagination. The sky’s the limit!

Being part of a blended family is challenging enough to start with, let alone being regulated to shelter-in-place with kids that may or may not like you or may be grieving the loss of seeing one parent, their friends, and life as we all knew it.

Use the time to try to bond through sharing traditions, asking about music your stepkids are interested in (without judgement) and ask what they like about the music. Or ask about what books they’re reading for school – generally, being interested in someone else’s interests help them to be interested in you and sharing activities that can be fun also helps pass the time and make bonding memories.

Blended bowl of eggs — Blended Makes Us Better – bowl full of decorated hollowed out eggs.

January 30, 2020 by Julee Peterson Leave a Comment

Sidestepping blending blunders (or at least trying to)…

Cooperation gets things done.
*Photo by Austin Kehmeier on Unsplash*

Blended families are often born out of loss. Loss of attachment. Loss of dreams, loss of stability. The couples’ gain – remarriage – is often the children’s loss. No wonder blended families face three times the difficulties when starting out then first families.

A few simple guidelines to help the blending start are:
– Separate households likely will have separate values. Sit with your spouse and figure out what values you want to develop in your home. (compassion, fun, forgiveness, strict rule-following, etc. Think about how the couple wants to run the home).

– Having different values between homes means different rules should be enforced in different homes to fit the parent values. (Trying to enforce the same rules across multiple homes will be difficult to keep tabs on, and make the rules harder to enforce.)

– There can be different rules for different kids in the same household. This means bio-parents stick to disciplining their own children and let the line for step-kids stop at respectful behavior and logistical “asks.”

– Triangulating isn’t all bad: Stepmom can ask bio-dad to enforce house rules on bio-kids. From keeping backpacks picked up, or a house rule of greeting someone when entering a room vs. ignoring them (as an aside: letting step-kids or bio-kids ignore one parent or the other isn’t appropriate).

– Understand, on average, it takes 6 years for blended families to feel comfortable together. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable, it’s not okay to act on discomfort through disrespectful actions.

– Make room for what was. Maybe bio-dad needs time alone with bio-kids and visa versa. Stepparents may feel tired of being excluded but honoring the relationship that came before you may aid you in your ability to blend. Altruism has a way of paying back in kind.

– Parents, stepparents: remember not to take things personally – even if they’re meant to be personal. Set boundaries for what is hurtful to you or unacceptable and let the rest go, or get professional support.

– Set boundaries. Decide how you’ll respond (or not) to things you find inappropriate. Accidentally rewarding negative behavior because you want to jump at the chance for positive interaction doesn’t help anyone.

– Respectful behavior gets cooperation and favors, disrespect doesn’t. Conditional love is a part of acting disrespectfully. Unconditional love comes from mutual understanding of not trying to hurt the other person.

Understand that progress is slow and attaching to a new stepparent is not first and foremost in a kids mind. It’s hard to do when they may be busy grieving their old life and the loss of family as they knew it, or perhaps the Ex is making plays for alienating the kids and ignoring you. However it’s spun, make sure your actions err on the side of controlling your behavior, boundaries that protect your feelings, and actions that reflect end-goals…to blend-in some way, some day.

August 22, 2018 by Julee Peterson Leave a Comment

Back To School = Back To Basics (Relationship Basics)

Summer is a saucy schedule-less mess of chaos, fun, and boredom (per the kiddos) and is a hotbed for emotions. When the kids are around it’s a free-for-all of family life and that makes it hard to be objective about how everyone is relating. Back to school is reflection time. And in order to reflect effectively you’ve got to have the guts to be honest (at the very least) with yourself about your emotions and what you sense about the emotions of other family members. Back-to-school is an opportunity to get back-to-basics.

What are the basics? They’re different for each blended family as they revolve around family values and behavior norms. This is where blended families can get tripped up because part of the blending isn’t “becoming one” but becoming inclusive of more family members and building a tolerance for the unfamiliar values and behaviors. It will take a lot of self-reflection about personal behaviors or choices that didn’t work out too well, and acknowledging challenging feelings. And reflection about summer interactions: what was good, what was bad?

For blended families (and all relationships) I feel each person should be able to expect some basic ways of being treated. The anonymity of the cyber-world and indirect communication makes it easy to be rude when you’re not face-to-face with another person. However, being part of a blended family comes with a lot of “forced together time,” even if it’s just eating dinner with step-siblings or step-parents, so it’s critical to understand what behavior defines a “healthy normal” way of being treated in a relationship versus the normal you may be used to. My list is adapted from one of my favorite relationship websites that sits smack in the middle of “middle-American” values: University of Minnesota.

Basic Relationship Rights within your Blended Family:

The right to be treated with respect.
The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered (this is a big one for kids getting used to a new authority figure in the house).
Goodwill from the other family members.
The right to emotional support.
The right to be validated ( to have our feelings and experience acknowledged as real).
The right to receive a sincere apology (easier said than done, right? And the concession of taking responsibility for hurting someone else’s feelings or making a bad choice can move a relationship forward in a healthy way).
To be heard by the other family members and be responded to with courtesy. (Stop the snide remarks and negative talk about family members, it does nothing to help expect feed the ego of the person doing the talking).
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business. (Yes, it is your stepparents business where you are after school and only telling part of the truth is still lying).
The right to live free from accusation and blame.
The right to live free from criticism and judgment. Kindness is not weakness.
The right to have your work and your interests respected.
The right to encouragement.
The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
The right to protect personal physical and emotional health.
The right to express your own beliefs, feelings, opinions, convictions, values and traditions. (Sounds like social justice and ***inclusivity to me!)

Expecting these things from your blended family aids in the basic goal of a blended family: Everyone feeling comfortable in their own home. At home, family members should feel included and be treated with respect and kindness, along with being able to get thier (reasonable) needs met. (Notice I did not say the objective was to get everyone to love each other like a bio-family and function a la Brady Bunch a become the step-family picture of perfection.) Blended family happiness can only grow out of the previous objectives: respect, kindness and having personal needs being met; basically speaking, reflect on that.