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January 3, 2021 by Julee Peterson Leave a Comment

New Year. Same Problems.

Feelings come and go like the waves in the ocean. Sometime big and stormy and sometimes flat and boring. The years tick by and the same relationship problems keep cropping up for couples. Working on these issues with a therapist that uses EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) allows a couple to go under the waves and down to the depths of their feelings to discover what the real issues are: fear of abandonment, loneliness, feeling unlovable and not being enough or being too much for the other person. All valid feelings and all unavoidable. Ignoring your feelings will make them loom larger and one sure way to help calm yourself is to validate your feelings – by yourself.

We often look for others to understand us and if someone can’t, or wont’, then we are left feeling as if there is something wrong with the way we feel. In reality, you feel what you feel regardless of whether it’s right or wrong. So validate yourself and acknowledge (but don’t necessarily act on) your emotions. Acting out sets the waves in motion, acknowledging helps you ride them.

April 28, 2020 by Julee Peterson Leave a Comment

Did You Marry The Wrong Person or is a Core Pattern Holding Your Relationship Back?

Secure Attachment is what we all need to feel we belong and are loved.
Photo by Irina Murza on Unsplash

Getting tired of the same issues that plague your relationship? Are you stuck in a pattern over the same fights? Its likely not because you “married the wrong person” but more than likely a cause of expectations based on how you were parented which result in core patterns of relating. These core pattern issues are what therapists call “Attachment issues” as they are based on the attachments you came to expect – or not – as a child. Children can have secure, anxious or avoidant attachment styles.

Growing up in a volatile home and needing to be more independent in handling your emotions on your own because parents were too busy fighting would then cause an individual to maintain that independence into their marriage – mixed with a person that grew up with a lot of attention from both parents and….BAM…the more needy partner ends up with an emotional crisis around needing to feel more securely attached and the partner is unable to respond to the need due to the pre-existing avoidant pattern.

This is just one example among many that can get couples into trouble and having spouses thinking they’ve married the wrong person when the reality is it’s a behavior pattern that needs to adapt to a new relationship. This can take a lot of difficult emotional work for a period of time, but once couples reach the other side there is a deeper intimacy and a more whole-person understanding between the spouses.

There are 5 different love style that can interact: The Avoider, The Pleaser, The Vacillator, The Victim and Controller love styles (also known as the Chaotic love style). These styles can pair-up and initially the opposite qualities attract and then they can attack. Not feeling attached to your partner is one of the most emotionally dis-regulating feelings for a person. You’ll see the dis-regulation in children when they lose their parent at a store, or feel unsure of a parents’ love. These behavior patterns repeat into adulthood though the dis-regulation can show up differently. Some adults to continue to throw tantrums and some hide in their work, or spend their time with the children leaving the marriage to suffer.

The good news is that with professional help the couple can start to recognize their core patterns and in the safety of a therapeutic situation can start to rebuild, the often unknown, broken emotional attachments. The couple then internalizes the therapeutic techniques and are able to “catch” their pattern and stop it before it gets out-of-hand.

Thus, it is not the wrong person you’ve married but just the wrong understanding of how they receive the way you grew up loving your birth family. The patterns of your biological family usually do not work within the structure of your newly created family – with the person you married. This is also works for Blended Families and in the relationship patterns between blended family step-kids to the new stepparent. Figuring out what’s happening for another person emotionally, will allow the patterns to be side-stepped to create a more peaceful home and a new securely attached relationships.

For more in-depth information on this subject or to discover your love style I recommend the book How We Love by Milan & Kay Yerkovich.

May 10, 2023 by Julee Peterson Leave a Comment

Why is Mother’s Day so Awkward in Blended Families?

It’s awkward because you’re not the mother, but you are doing all of the momming when your stepchildren are home. Care flows from the top down. That means adults care for children and that’s the position stepparents are in, giving care and not necessarily receiving any care back. But. That is what being a mother is all about. Biological mothers enjoy the softness of time, shared memories and a bond receiving love back from their children.

Stepmothers are starting at square-one, building a relationship from the ground up and lack the biological connection, shared bonds of good times and memories. Stepmothers receive little back (emotionally speaking) from their stepchildren and that’s tough because stepmothers are putting time, energy and care into the family. So instead of expecting a celebration around the tasks that end up as your responsibilities – perhaps turn it around and make Mother’s Day about mothering.

What is there to celebrate about your stepchildren? What would be nice for them to hear coming from an adult that isn’t their parent? How might you influence positive change by listing all the things you feel they do right and are good at? How might you fill the hole of a disengaged mother? A mother who is no longer with them?

Flowers, candy and thanks are all nice, but meaning something to a child, becoming a person to count on and a person who shows up for them even though you’re not their real parent – that’s a gift that’s bound to pay back. So find that Hallmark card for mother’s day and write a note for your stepchild to read. Will they cherish it forever? Maybe not. But each year on Mother’s Day they’ll come to know you and the good parts of themselves through a stepmom who took the time to care about them each year – and as they grow, they’ll realize that you didn’t have to do that. This is what bonds are made of. Giving is what builds relationships, fine tunes friendships and helps blend a family.

February 1, 2021 by Julee Peterson Leave a Comment

Teaching Your Children Healthy Habits

By Contributing writer Amanda Henderson

Photo courtesy of Stocksnap.io

We want the best for our kids, whether they’re our natural-born children or little ones we’re lucky to love as our step-kids. Both parents and step-parents work hard to ensure we raise healthy, happy adults. To help this become an eventuality, it’s crucial to teach children about physical, mental, and emotional health from an early age. Of course, teaching healthy habits takes time, patience, and dedication. What if your child prefers screen time to physical activities, or craves cake instead of vegetables? Luckily, experts have some suggestions that might help.

Here’s how parents and step-parents can encourage their children to embrace healthier choices.

Physical Health

Physical activity is crucial at any age, especially for children while their brains and bodies are growing. But how can you motivate your child to get some exercise if he or she is too busy playing video games or watching television? Getting creative might be the answer.

According to the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, sedentary children (including adolescents and teens) often respond better to “unconventional exercise.” Instead of forcing your child into an activity they don’t enjoy, partner with them to find something that suits their interests. For instance, your child can write a list of activities they enjoy, excluding any activities that involve screen time. Narrow the list down to anything involving physical activity. Get creative if you need to. Does your teenager enjoy shopping? If so, you might take a weekly trip to walk laps around the mall, as an example. You don’t have to buy anything, but you can window shop and spend some quality time together, which is a great way to bond blended families.

Psychologists also recommend parents model the healthy behaviors they’d like to see in their children. Find a workout routine you enjoy and explain to your child why it’s beneficial to you. Teach your child about limiting sugar and caffeine, and opting for balanced, nutritious meals. You can even invite your child to participate in age-appropriate physical activities, such as running a race or joining you at the gym.

Many families enjoy heading outdoors for some exercise together. For example, you might take a walk in a park or go for a hike in nature. Depending upon the season and location, make sure you pack the right supplies (water bottle, snacks) and that your child is properly dressed and has the right gear — doing so makes it easier for them to stay comfortable and enjoy the activity. Before purchasing any kid gear, do some research and check online reviews to find high-quality brands with kid-friendly sizes.

In the age of COVID-19, of course, exercising outside of the home can be difficult. Thankfully, the internet has you covered. There are hundreds of exercise videos and tutorials on sites like YouTube, many of which are absolutely free. All you need to supply is an internet connection with speeds that can keep up with high-bandwidth content and a space to work out!

Mental Health

A healthy mind is just as essential as a healthy body. Because screen time can lead to childhood mental illness, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends removing mobile devices and televisions from bedrooms and limiting screen time.

Other than occasional video chats with loved ones, children under the age of 18 months shouldn’t experience screen time. Between 18 to 24 months, you can slowly introduce high-quality children’s programming. Toddlers and young children should only have one hour of screen time per day until age four. Once your child enters grade school, place consistent boundaries on screen time. Decide as a family what your daily limit will be. Make screen time off limits during specific activities, such as driving or after bedtime.

Replace TV, Facebook, and video games with more playtime, outdoor activities, or family discussions. When your children are online, teach them how to avoid cyberbullying, and have open conversations about online safety and respectful behaviors.

Preventing Addiction

It’s uncomfortable talking to your kids about drugs and alcohol, but these difficult conversations are essential. Limit your child’s temptation to experiment with drugs and alcohol by not exposing them to these addictive substances. Talk to your children about the dangers of addiction and model appropriate behaviors, like not drinking and driving. Because addiction has a genetic component, be honest with your child about your family history. Even if you’re a step-parent, being honest with your step-child about you and your family’s past offers them insight on why it’s important to avoid drugs and alcohol, and your openness can deepen your connection. You don’t have to be a perfect parent to keep your kids off drugs. Just be willing to establish a healthy, open relationship with your child from a young age.

Whether you’re the natural parent or a step-parent, the best way to encourage your children to make healthier choices is by modeling those choices yourself. Because children learn from adults’ actions and words, it’s crucial to set a good example. Eat balanced meals, exercise, and never drink and drive. By supporting your child’s healthy habits from an early age, you can help grow into a well-rounded, happy adult.