Marriage Matters

April 28, 2020 by Julee Peterson Leave a Comment

Did You Marry The Wrong Person or is a Core Pattern Holding Your Relationship Back?

Secure Attachment is what we all need to feel we belong and are loved.
Photo by Irina Murza on Unsplash

Getting tired of the same issues that plague your relationship? Are you stuck in a pattern over the same fights? Its likely not because you “married the wrong person” but more than likely a cause of expectations based on how you were parented which result in core patterns of relating. These core pattern issues are what therapists call “Attachment issues” as they are based on the attachments you came to expect – or not – as a child. Children can have secure, anxious or avoidant attachment styles.

Growing up in a volatile home and needing to be more independent in handling your emotions on your own because parents were too busy fighting would then cause an individual to maintain that independence into their marriage – mixed with a person that grew up with a lot of attention from both parents and….BAM…the more needy partner ends up with an emotional crisis around needing to feel more securely attached and the partner is unable to respond to the need due to the pre-existing avoidant pattern.

This is just one example among many that can get couples into trouble and having spouses thinking they’ve married the wrong person when the reality is it’s a behavior pattern that needs to adapt to a new relationship. This can take a lot of difficult emotional work for a period of time, but once couples reach the other side there is a deeper intimacy and a more whole-person understanding between the spouses.

There are 5 different love style that can interact: The Avoider, The Pleaser, The Vacillator, The Victim and Controller love styles (also known as the Chaotic love style). These styles can pair-up and initially the opposite qualities attract and then they can attack. Not feeling attached to your partner is one of the most emotionally dis-regulating feelings for a person. You’ll see the dis-regulation in children when they lose their parent at a store, or feel unsure of a parents’ love. These behavior patterns repeat into adulthood though the dis-regulation can show up differently. Some adults to continue to throw tantrums and some hide in their work, or spend their time with the children leaving the marriage to suffer.

The good news is that with professional help the couple can start to recognize their core patterns and in the safety of a therapeutic situation can start to rebuild, the often unknown, broken emotional attachments. The couple then internalizes the therapeutic techniques and are able to “catch” their pattern and stop it before it gets out-of-hand.

Thus, it is not the wrong person you’ve married but just the wrong understanding of how they receive the way you grew up loving your birth family. The patterns of your biological family usually do not work within the structure of your newly created family – with the person you married. This is also works for Blended Families and in the relationship patterns between blended family step-kids to the new stepparent. Figuring out what’s happening for another person emotionally, will allow the patterns to be side-stepped to create a more peaceful home and a new securely attached relationships.

For more in-depth information on this subject or to discover your love style I recommend the book How We Love by Milan & Kay Yerkovich.

December 25, 2017 by Julee Peterson Leave a Comment

Holiday Communication – Deciphering the Puzzle

Christmas time brings many emotions and with those emotions come different communication styles. In a Blended Family this time of year can seem like a social skill puzzle that needs solving. Reconnecting or trying to make connections for the first time inside your Blended Family can leave everyone a bit confused since people likely have different communication styles they grew-up using in their bio-families. It may be shocking to some to realize that just because a person is accustomed to a specific type of style used in their family system, that doesn’t mean the rest of the world uses that or should use that style.

So, socially speaking, to get along and find some peace, it becomes important to figure out another persons’ communication style. This will help you feel less confused and prepare you to make appropriate behavior choices in reaction to emotions that come up during the holiday get togethers – blended or unblended.

There are four basic types of Communications styles:

Passive communicators – These are the people that have a hard time speaking up for themselves. They avoid expressing their feelings and emotions, and allow others to infringe on their personal rights. At some point, something will tip the balance and they’ll explode expressing all their pent up resentments at once.
Aggressive communicators – These communicators express their feelings and needs in a way that disregards the rights of others. Their style of communication is verbally abusive to the person it’s aimed at and yet, as the communicator, they feel they are “just talking.” They become socially isolated because no-one wants to put up with this immature behavior. It’s equal to a 2-year-old tantrum in an adult body. These are people that get their way no matter what the cost to others. They trample on the feelings of everyone around them, ignoring social cues of confused, disgusted and angry facial expressions of their family members and friends. “You owe me!” Is a favorite line. Fun.
Passive-aggressive communicators – You’ll know your with one when you feel confused and unsure about what’s happening. They act passive on the outside and go along with a situation and then act out verbally or behaviorally toward the person causing their anger (perceived or real) and try to subtly undermine them by causing them discomfort. They are resentful from not being able to fully express themselves. Remember that teen-age relationship where the significant other didn’t want to break up but also didn’t want a label on your relationship anymore? Rather than being verbally straight about breaking up (because then they’d have to feel bad about hurting your feelings) they try to hit the middle ground by backing out just a little and letting you down “easily.” When you’re together you still act like a couple, yet your partner knows their true intentions so they feel free to flirt with others and act single. When you question your partner and say you’re hurt – they say they don’t want to deal with the drama. But if you’re acting like a couple when you’re together (regardless of a label) shouldn’t your partner care about hurting you? Hello passive aggressive.
Assertive – This is where we all hope to land someday. To be able to express our feelings, opinions and needs respectfully to the other person. Agreeing to disagree is an example. The Netflix series Poldark comes to mind where the town bad-guy is at a Christmas party with all the town good-guys and no one breaks out Jerry Springer style to hit, thrash or name-call but they simply state in different ways how he offends them, and their values, as they give a respectful (but curt) nod of their heads and walk away. Looks simple, but hard to do. Polite decorum has defiantly been lost in American “culture” – if you want to say America has a culture (yet another example of passive-aggressive sarcasm).

The best thing about assertive communication is the communicator handles their own emotions and their own drama. They don’t project it onto others (passive-aggressive), they don’t wallow in self-pity and then explode when it’s too much to handle (passive) and they don’t belittle others or name-call and place blame (aggressive). It’s just pure communication. I feel (insert emotion of choice) when you do (name the behavior) and I need you to (solution focused action). Feelings expressed, disliked behavior explained, and the other person then has a choice on how to respond.

Socially speaking, recognizing another persons communication style can help make life easier over all. It helps maintain a more objective viewpoint (because maybe you are part of the issue), and can help de-escalate potential communication problems if you’re able to figure out the under-lying emotion spurring the discussion. Validating the emotion makes the other person feel understood so they can feel like they’re communicating effectively even if they’re not. This helps to de-escalate their emotions instead of them repeatedly trying to make their point and getting louder and louder.

So, as you’re unwrapping gifts this season – make an effort to notice your emotions and the unspoken emotions of those around you, and un-blend the communication style of your Blended Family. It’s the best gift you’ll give yourself and those around you. (And the magic about communication styles are that they’re changeable, you’re not stuck with a bad gift unless you want to be). Happy Holidays, all holidays, to you, yours, theirs, and ours.

March 9, 2017 by Julee Peterson Leave a Comment

Logistically Blending…

In Blended Families there are many logistical situations which are less about logistics and more about emotion. This creates a multitude of communication problems. Learning to deal with logistics separately from the meanings and emotions underneath logistical situations will go a long way in smoothing communication and blending your family life.

What’s the difference between talking about logistics and talking about the meaning behind? Picture this: if two people are talking just about logistics (who, what, when, where) then there is usually a good shot at solving the problem without much complication. However, when one person is talking logistics and another person is talking about what the different parts of the logistical situation mean to them (or how a person feels about the situation) then the communication gets mixed-up. The person on the logistical stand-point gets confused because they are expecting a simple solution and the person talking about the meaning isn’t focused on solving anything, but rather on having their feelings understood. Communication misses.

Couples, friends, Blended Families, Step-families, communicating — Is your Blended Family accidently blending communications?

When this happens, issues like where to spend holidays, how to celebrate a child’s birthday or how to spend your summer vacations become enormously difficult to solve because of all the logistics and the varying feelings attached by each person involved in the who, what, where, and when. For example, you ask your partner if they want to attend your daughter’s volleyball game. Simple yes or no, right?

However, if there is an ex-spouse involved or your friends have taken sides in whether they like your new spouse (or you anymore) – then deciding to go to a volleyball game becomes much more complicated. Who will be there? Will your ex or your friends treat your new spouse well or will they make snide comments to your spouse when you’re not around to hear? If things go awry how will each of you handle it? Will you shelter your spouse and believe their word or will you believe your friends’ words because you’ve known them longer? All of these things and more can add to the emotions running under making a simple logistical decision, especially when you’re first beginning to blend your family.

While I can’t help solve your individual Blended Family dilemmas I can help simplify your communication so there is a better chance of finding an answer more easily with less frustration and confusion.

The solution? Separate the logistics from the emotion and have separate conversations for each. This is much easier said than done. It includes being aware of your feelings, your partners’ feelings and tracking what you’re talking about as well as if either of you have veered from the original issue. How do you know when emotion is in the mix?

If you find yourself trying to solve something you felt would be simple and it starts becoming more complicated in a way that’s difficult to pinpoint, then there is a good chance you’re mixing logistics and emotion in conversation. When this happens, take a breath and try to look at the problem from your partners’ point of view and make guesses at what they might be feeling. (To avoid escalating the emotion it’s best to make sincere and kind guesses while leaving any potential “jokes” or snide tones-of-voice out of the conversation). Start with curiosity. “It seems like you’re upset/worried/scared/mad about something? If so, I’d like to hear about it.” An offer to listen is a good pathway to open communication and your quickest route to a solution.

At this point, the conversation has veered from logistical to emotional and to get back to the logistics you’ll need to first deal with the emotions: validation, empathy and reassurance go a long way in making a person feel heard. Once your partner feels heard then they’re able to refocus on the logistical situation you originally brought up (this trick also works visa versa for emotional conversations, but that’s a separate blog).

So the next time your find yourself having difficulty solving something that “should be simple” take a step back and try to separate what you’re talking about from the feelings your topic brings up and deal with one or the other – but not both at the same time. Blend your family, not your communication.