Blended Families

I specialize in working with blended families because over 60% of couples are blended families and blended family development is NOT regularly taught in counseling graduate school programs. I’ve read the text book and, as a stepmom and mom, I intimately know and understand the challenges and unique dynamics that exist in blended families.

Often, stepparents are thrown into emotional disarray with the insider/outsider dynamic. Also not knowing what’s normal: mini-families and enmeshment, learning to disengage from certain aspects of parenting and creating personal boundaries to maintain their personal respect. It’s also difficult to start relating to someone else’s children as a friend versus a disciplinarian (which makes all the difference in being a “good” stepparent versus a “bad” stepparent. Blended families are structured backwards: many kids and much conflict can come all at once versus first families that add children one at time (usually). The disappointment over not feeling like a “real family” can lurk as “something is wrong with this relationship” to those who had big blended dreams.

Compassion and Respect are the backbones of building trust in blended families.

Blended families have more stress than traditional marriages with couples having three times the amount of stress over first marriage couples. Stress levels eventually adjust and fall to normal levels found in traditional marriages.

Why? Because blended families have the same challenges as any first family, plus the challenges of blended dynamics: boundaries, new family members, a different developmental cycle than first families, feeling in or out of the family (or marriage), and whose rules are “right?” all plague the start of a new marriage. Not to mention most families add one child at a time, but blended families add a multitude of children over varying ages and developmental stages.

When it comes to rules, Blended families often struggle with two sets of children trying to adhere to four sets of parenting rules between two different households. It gets complicated and often becomes a point of contention. Whose “rules” are right and past “family culture” (ways of doing things) are sticking points between blended couples. I can help you sort out House Rules versus individual Parent Rules to create a more peaceful home.

Other issues to take into consideration are communication styles, parenting styles, expectations for the children, time alone together, among other blended dynamics. The scenarios are as diverse and unique as the people making up each blended family. Showing mutual respect by a base level of civility for each family member (young and old) and gaining awareness around each person’s experience in the blended family are essential for building trust and creating a peaceful home environment.

BUILDING MIDDLE GROUND IS THE KEY TO CONNECTION

If you’re looking for harmony in the home between parenting, co-parenting and relationships between step-parents and step-children – then creating a positive middle ground of interaction and trust is a must. This is done through awareness to each person’s experiences: gains and losses. Once compassion builds, it can bridge the gap between unhelpful emotional reactions, like anger, and choosing something that de-escalates conflict when different family cultures collide under one roof. Building relationships when there is little trust, much disappointment, hurt feelings and misunderstandings is very difficult to do. Negative feelings from these mis-interactions shadow the warm feelings of wanting to love your step-children (or step-parents). It will take active effort to build blended family relationships with an eye on the future as a goal.

INTENTIONALLY BUILD RELATIONSHIPS WITH ALL FAMILY MEMBERS

Blended families are about building relationships with multiple people all at one time, but at differing paces. Each parent is in a relationship with the other person’s children whether they want to be or not. Ignoring those relationships and not intentionally choosing helpful or kind behavior will only prolong the time it will take to blend the family and may get the family stuck in the second developmental stage – Entanglement. Children often lag behind couples in feeling as if the blended family is a positive in their life.

Negative patterns of relating & communication:

Often communication can become aggressive and patterns of behavior include: emotional reactivity, defensiveness, not giving the benefit of the doubt, and control and criticism. The distrust fuels negative patterns of thinking and that affects behavior choices. I use Emotionally Focused Therapy to help understand the dysfunctional patterns of relating which then help you become aware of when it’s happening and the couple can start to stop the pattern when it begins.

Another dynamic unique to blended families are ex-spouses. They can be amiable or a High Conflict Person. A high conflict person has four key characteristics:

1) Preoccupation with blaming others;
2) all-or-nothing thinking / black-and-white thinking and solutions;
3) unmanaged or intense emotions;
4) extreme behavior/acting out and/or threats (think what 90% of people would choose not to do).

To deal with high conflict personalities you’ll need to keep your emotions in check and focus on the future. Be firm, brief and emotionally detached.

The Good News

Notes on Blended Family Divorce Rate: It’s been reported that the divorce rate for second marriages is high at 65% and 73% for third marriages; however, the statistics as reported by Shaunti Feldhahn and Tally Whitehead’s book book The Good News About Marriage  (2014) are:

1. An estimated current rate of divorce for first marriages in the US is 20-25%; 31% for all marriages; 34% for remarriages (divorce section of smartstepfamilies.com statistics page)
2. Because not all remarriages are step-couples, the current rate of divorce for stepfamilies is very difficult to determine. We have fewer studies and more inconsistent data on stepfamily divorce than any other population so an exact number is very difficult to calculate. However, based on the information provided in the book The Good News About Marriage and the research of Dr. Mavis Hetherington (2002), I am adjusting my numbers to the following: An estimated current divorce rate of stepfamily couples is roughly 45-50% and a projected divorce rate is roughly 50-60% (Deal, 2014).
3. It should be noted that many reputable scholars still project that the overall divorce rate for all marriages to be between 40-50%.  [This is a legitimate prediction based on certain assumptions about divorce trends and life-table analyses. Some scholars, pastors, teachers, etc. will prefer to use these numbers.
4. Studies on marriages with same-sex partners show similar patterns of relating and emotionality when compared to traditional families – if marriage were legal in every state then it would be logical to conclude that even same sex marriage would have a similar divorce rate as non-blended families. 
5. Again, the commonly quoted stats saying the divorce rate of first marriages is 50%, second marriages 67%, and third marriages 73% (see Psychology Today) is not based on any actual data nor can anyone trace where the original numbers came from (see The Good News About Marriage by Shaunti Feldhahn). Thus, this misleading statistic should never be quoted or shared in the future.

Children want security and thrive on Firm – yet kind – Boundaries

Children of blended families long for the security of a peaceful household and routine they can count on – especially since they know the insecurity divorce or death can bring. Being able to learn to trust a step-parent who will “have their back” when they might need/want help is the key stepping-stone to the long-term attachment and love most blended families are hoping for when they imagine their future lives. Rest assured; firm boundaries does not mean authoritarian control. Think of Mary Poppins – kind yet firm – and you’ll gain ground with children wanting to please you rather than trying to force them to comply.

Children are often put in loyalty binds feeling as though they are betraying their bio-parent if they’re nice to a step-parent or accept kindness from a step-parent. What may look like avoidance may actually be a child trying to be loyal. The side-step this, the step-parent can:

1. Rise above their own emotions: notice you feel ignored/hurt/resentful and understand it might not be about you.
2. Always give the benefit of the doubt that the child is wrestling with something else.
3. Try to always act like an adult – which means doing “the right thing” or the “expected parental action” even if you don’t feel like it (feelings don’t need to match actions).
4. Talk, briefly, around what you suspect. “I wonder if you feel disloyal to your bio-parent? That’s normal. You can be nice to me and still love your bio-parent more.”

Being a step-parent means learning emotional flexibility and handling parental responsibility without any authority. This feels like you’re doing all the work and getting zero appreciation. Yet, being there in this capacity (when/if you’re needed) is what eventually builds a stepchild’s trust in the stepparent and the bonds of care, love and trust. On the other hand, if the step-parent lacks restraint, gives into negative emotion and craves control then the wicked step-parent will appear trying to discipline their stepchildren over what “should” or “shouldn’t be” happening. This is a sure path to being critical, controlling, and upsetting the ability to blend.

• The idea of “should” and “shouldn’t” hinders many relationships/ couples/ friendships. Should or shouldn’t doesn’t actually exist outside of someone’s mind and personal opinion. What is real is “what is” and basing decisions off of what’s real rather than opinion is always a more preferable approach to decision making.

In short, Kids lose security and consistency in a divorce and they need to know that they are loved and wanted by both their bioparents and at least liked by the new stepparent.  A new step-parent can raise insecurity in children. Children may wonder whether their bio-parent will forget about them, still loves them if the child is nice to the stepparent as much as they once did because they see that parent spending more time with the new spouse and feel excluded or the need to compete for attention. Children may also wonder whether the other bio-parent still loves them since they don’t get to see them as much and that parent may also gain a new love-interest. Defining clear roles for the step-parent is critical in helping children find security and being able to make room in their heart for the new step-parent.

THE BLENDED BLUEPRINT

Couples trying to blend are often mired in the demands of every day life. Add in the challenging dynamics of a blended family and high expectations can turn into disappointment, resentment and thoughts about the marriage being a mistake. I work with couples to set goals and create a blended blueprint specifically for their family. We prioritize critical items for your family and work through them, one by one. If you don’t have time for therapy, I’ve created the Blended Blueprint online course series: The Complete Blended Blueprint, The Brief Blended Blueprint and the Premarital Blended Blueprint to help blended families recognize what is normal for blended families and to help build step-relationships.

Below are common issues to work on in blended families:

• The Anatomy of a Blended Families
  • Development Stages, Interactive cycles
  • Simple vs. Complex Blended Families
  • Mini-families and enmeshment

• Parenting: roles, responsibilities, who has authority & how to handle logistics if you don’t have authority.
  • Parenting styles, communication styles
  • House rules and parent rules
  • How to connect with kids, teens and young adults

• Relationship structure
  • Attachment styles
  • Adults vs Children – differing experiences
  • Bonding the couple and creating confidence
  • Awareness gaps
  • Befriending vs. parenting: why and how
  • Understanding your past family culture and it’s not working in the new blended family culture.

• Bio-parents:
  • Roles
  • Stress management as the “core” building block.
  • Special time for children / Special time for new spouse

• Ex-partner dynamics
  • High Conflict People
  • Parental Alienation Syndrome
  • Co-parenting

• Blending better
  • Making choices based on your “family of the future”
  • Acting relationally – pro-social behavior
  • Understanding your impact on others
  • Intentional and kind interactions

Safeguarding the new blended family

The most destructive relationship pattern is anger. Anger is damaging to all relationships and damaging to children when it manifests between ex-spouses who fight with each other, criticize new spouses, ex-partners and drag the children into the middle of their issues. This causes enormous amounts of emotional pain for everyone involved.

Usually, some co-parenting work will need to be done with high conflict divorces, ironing out issues for the benefit of the children. This is almost impossible to do outside of the context of therapy but can be tremendously rewarding. For extremely high conflict ex-spouses Parallel Parenting may be recommended over Co-parenting.

For a new blended family to deal with a corrosive ex-spouse there needs to feel like a “we-ness” a “we’re together” even though this outside force is attacking us. This helps keep the attachment strong with the current spouse so they can best manage the attacking ex-spouse.

Just as trust is essential inside the family, trusting in your counselor and the counseling process are also essential for growth and change. I have been able to establish trust and help many relationships with blended families, individuals, children and teens. I look forward to engaging in your family and helping you achieve change and your goals.