Search Results for: blended

September 7, 2017 by Julee Peterson Leave a Comment

Blended family vs. Stepfamily

Does it matter if you call yourself a Blended family or a stepfamily? If you set your expectations lower will you have a more successful family relationship? Some professionals in the stepfamily world believe this, arguing that using the term blended family sets expectations unrealistically high and causes a lot of disappointment.

Boo hoo.

I had no idea when I started my blog and chose the website name, Helping Blended Families, that I would be going against the “grain” of what seems to be a big issue in the blended/step world (as if another issue is what blended and step families need).

I have been coming across the idea (and most recently in my favorite online magazine, Stepmom Magazine) that the term Blended Families, rather than the term stepfamilies, creates expectations that are too high and is “troublesome to stepfamilies and the professionals that work with them. It’s a catchy media phrase that does not describe either the family relationship or what happens when at least one partner to a marriage brings children from a prior relationship (into the mix – be it a divorced parent, unwed parent, widow or widower).” I believe that quote was attributed to the NSRC division of Auburn University. The author then states, “Stepfamilies do not ‘blend,’ they continue.” How’s that for setting expectations low?

Ick. All experiences are valid, negative and positive, but being that the statement is part of a well respected online magazine, coupled with the authoritarian tone of the statement, it makes it seem as if the low expectation of continuing as a blended family is the only way. Lets be clear. That’s one way to approach your blended family relationships, it is not the only way. Building with high expectations to blend is another way.

Regardless of the reason for the heavy-hand and narrow-mind, it is true that The National Blended Family Association doesn’t exist and National Stepfamily Association does (thankfully, it’s a great resource). But does the non-existence negate the term and prove that setting expectations low is the best way to go when in a couple relationship? No, it doesn’t. Even if others say that it does.

Because there are others, including me, whose opinion is that setting expectations high is the way to go (so does The Gottman Institute ). And apparently the working therapists of Auburn University’s Glanton House believe there is room for the term Blended Families as their website has a tab for Blended Families / Remarriages and it’s impressively inclusive and uses both terms: Blended Families and stepfamily. It reads:

Blended Families/Remarriage

Are you getting remarried? Are you worried about the challenges that come with blending two separate families into one? After a remarriage has occurred and the two separate families are merging together, typically the families remain divided along biological lines. This time can be stressful and turbulent. It is important to complete the tasks of defining a realistic new stepfamily identity, restructuring family boundaries, and strengthening emotional bonds, in order to complete the successful merging of two families. Therapists at the Glanton house may be able to assist families progress through the tasks in a healthy manner.

I do appreciate this argument of Blended vs. Step terminology because it is a fantastic example of what will happen in your Blended / Step / Mixed family. There will be people who knit-pick the things you do, the way you do them and they’ll declare all the things you’ve done wrong to anyone who will listen. They’ll blame the stepparent for all they see wrong while ignoring their own emotional issues attached to this type of acting out.

What really matters is ending up with a healthy family no matter what you choose to call your family or the route you take to get there: via a therapist, certified stepfamily coach, friends, clergy, blogs, books or your own self-discovery. After all, wouldn’t you want to be disappointed from setting your expectations too high and failing rather than from not setting them high enough and never getting a chance to really succeed?

One final thought, if you’re approaching a Blended Family marriage, or any marriage, without high expectations then why bother to get married in the first place?

As a step-parent in a blended family, what do you wish was different about your experience in the family?

What is a Blended Family?

What is a blended family versus a step family? Is there a difference? Is one term better than the other? Is it just a preference? For me, I feel the word blended, rather than step, defines my personal journey toward my family goals. Also, I feel by definition, blended has a more inclusive meaning, rather than limiting a family image to a Brady Bunch remarriage. Webster’s dictionary defines the two words as follows:

Blended:

Mix, especially: to combine or associate so that the separate constituents or the line of demarcation cannot be distinguished.
To prepare by thoroughly intermingling different varieties or grades.
To mingle intimately or unobtrusively: to combine into an integrated whole.
To produce a harmonious effect.

Step:

A movement made by lifting your foot and putting it down in a different place.
The sound of a foot making a step
The distance covered in one step; also: short distance.

I like the idea of mixing things up and thoroughly intermingling people together so they make a whole. To me, that’s what family is: different parts that make a whole. Traditionally speaking, being all bound together biologically is the meaning of a family unit. Our modern world includes families of all different types: bonded or not, and biological or not.

The bond of trust is implied in a biological situation, but it needs to be built in a blended family. It’s a simplification to water-down the entire blended family experience and only label love by a biological factor. Loving and bonding occur in different amounts at different times between blended family members (and biological family members), and can create bonds as strong as biological ones. If this wasn’t possible, there would never have been a married couple in history that truly “loved” each other in a selfless, bonded sense of the word.

To me, the distinction between a biological bond and loving someone is small; as is the distinction between the terms: “blended family”, and the more common, “stepfamily.” The distinctive nuances are the inclusivity and harmony inherent to the term “blended family;” rather than a focus on the one “step” or short distance between family members highlighted in the term “stepfamily.”

Most people want a harmonious place to call home. Regardless of how you’re blended family is created: each bringing children to a new home, single and marrying someone with children, a widow/widower with children remarrying, welcoming a foster child, adopting a child, same sex couples adopting children or a blending different cultures, races or generations – it’s the harmonious and inclusive aspects of the word blended that make the most important distinctions to me.

Realities of Blended Family Life

The reality is that life inside a blended family is different and that doesn’t mean it’s bad. Just different and usually, never simple. So first and foremost:

Friends from nuclear families don’t understand the nuances of blended family life – best not to ask them for advice.
Yes, it is normal not to love your step-kids right away – the feeling is probably mutual – you can all learn to move out of this.
One of the most helpful things to do is learn to have compassion for and understanding about your emotions, the children’s emotions and your partners emotions.
Yes, your partner can runs defense better than Deion Sanders, Ronnie Lott, or “Mean Joe” Green during a Superbowl game when it comes to discussing their kids.
Marrying a widower/widow? Be sure to have sound personal boundaries protecting your relationship from the “no-one-is-good-enough-friend-of-the-deceased-police.”
Mother’s day and Father’s day can be weird and good.
Ambiguity over life direction usually sets in after high school or college graduation when your future is yours and the “right path” is filled with so many possibilities and different directions that it can be overwhelming. Ambiguity is a natural feeling as part of blended family life and being a step-parent. Know that having a positive attitude and giving the benefit-of-the-doubt will serve you through the uncertainty.
Blended family growth is a process, as is being a kid learning about life and living. Processes usually take more time than anticipated and that’s normal.
Webster’s definition of a process is:
- A series of actions that produce something or that lead to a particular result
- A series of changes that happen naturally
  - In effect, you have some influence on the process and sometimes you just need to let it happen naturally.

One of the most helpful things to do is learn to have compassion for and understanding about your emotions, the children’s emotions and your partners emotions.
Is it all worth it? Yes.
Is a lot of success mainly based in the approach? Yes.

What would you add to the list?